


Yeah, I don't get this either

by Espoirose



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Crack, Crack Crossover, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, THERES AN ENDING NOW, i have no fucking clue as to where i was going with this, semi-serious crack, to a degree anyway
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-10
Updated: 2020-10-11
Packaged: 2021-02-22 10:41:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22648693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Espoirose/pseuds/Espoirose
Summary: Tony doesn't die when he used the stones.Instead, someone else that... wasn't quite of this world takes the burden for him.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 175





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> God where do I begin with this mess
> 
> First, this fic came out of a concept that just. Came to me in a dream.
> 
> And that I couldn't let it go unless I made something out of it
> 
> And also this is partially based off of a post I saw on Tumblr that explained how miracles might've worked in Good Omens. Through belief
> 
> So I worked that into this story and. Ta-Da
> 
> The title is in reference to that one line in Danganronpa 3's future arc in which they put in the wrong line for Kirigiri, I think, as well as my personal feelings towards this nonsense

The final battle happened as we all saw before.

Thanos held the stones up triumphantly, gloating, prematurely snapping his fingers, only to realize that the stones wasn't in his possession anymore.

Tony held his arm up, the stones in full display in a gauntlet of his own, the power of the stones surging through him, causing him indescribable pain, yet he still uttered what he thought would be his last words before snapping his fingers.

And in the next moment, everyone could clearly see Thanos and his army slowly fade to dust and…

Tony Stark, still standing there.

Completely unfazed.

He held his arm up and hesitantly turned it over.

And the stones were gone, along with it the bright light that had coursed through him, threatening to incinerate his arm to a crisp.

The scorch marks that had gone up the side of Tony's face still remained, however only kept to the far right side, ending at his cheek.

If he had taken a moment to look up, he might’ve been able to see a tall, dark figure saunter away, the glint of the stones in his hand shining through the gaps of his fingers as he did.

\--

And back at the lakehouse, an argument ensued, everyone involved wondering where the hell the stones had gone, questioning Tony since he was clearly the last one who had them.

The gauntlet had long since been removed from his arm, as is the rest of the Iron Man armour, and everyone can see the charred remains of Tony's hand, almost completely marring it's appearance. 

He could hardly feel it anymore, resorting to using a cast for it like Bruce had with his own arm.

“But see, that’s the thing. I don’t have the stones.”

“You what?” Rhodes shot back, taking a step closer.

“Yeah, I don’t know what else to tell you.” Tony threw his hands in the air in exasperation. Or, at least he _tried_ to. “At one point, I thought I did, you know, when I took them from Thanos, I snapped my fingers and then he’s gone. I look at my hand and the stones aren’t even there either.”

Steve was the next to speak. “Well, then, where did they go? How did you do the snap? What happened then?”

“That’s the thing. I don’t know. And I doubt I was the one who actually did it. Me standing here right now is proof of it. I'm not like a god, or some mutant like the Hulk. The power of those stones should've killed me, but they hadn't. So it definitely wasn't me."

“Well then, who did?”

Silence followed soon after, the Avengers looking at one another, almost hoping that someone in there would actually answer that and finally address the elephant in the room.

“...I did, actually.”

...And their hopes were answered, as everyone in the room heard an unfamiliar voice, the sound of footsteps that pressed against the floorboard followed, growing louder until the source of it stood right in front of them.

A tall, thin figure sauntered into view, a red-haired man in an black suit with a jacket that isn’t even buttoned up proper, and the shades on his face showed nothing but his fairly obvious flair for the dramatic.

He gave them a casual wave before tucking both his hands into his pant pockets. “Hi, sorry, I let myself in. I doubt any of you would, so I had to.”

“...Did you want to explain yourself, or should we send you on your way?” Steve’s words cut through the silence right after.

“Oh, yes, of course, just a moment. Here you go…” The man appeared chipper as he pulled his arm out of his pocket and held it up for all to see.

All six infinity stones adorned his hand, all of them were embedded into rings and placed on each finger, with the exception of the Mind stone, which had been in a gold bangle that was wrapped around the palm of his hand, the stone positioned on the back of it, shining just as bright.

“The stones, as all of you have been asking for, as well as my explanation and reason for… breaking into the lakehouse. I’d say you left the door unlocked as an excuse, but really that would be a full-on lie.”

Tony was already halfway out of his chair, almost as if he was about to lunge for the stones, his jaw hanging off his face in disbelief, much like everyone else, who were equally as surprised, while the man stood there silently, a sly smile plastered on his face.

“Who… Just, who are you?” It was Carol’s turn to speak now, squinting at him as she readied her fists, glowing as though it was on fire.

The man’s smile dropped as he turned to Carol, and had it not been for the shades, everyone would’ve been able to see him do the same, like he was shooting the question right back at her, but in a more… accustory way of asking. “...Anthony J. Crowley. I’d prefer being addressed as Crowley, though.”

“What does the ‘J’ stand for?” Rhodes.

“It’s… just a ‘J’, really.”

“...The fact that you have the stones now can only mean…” We’re passing the braincell around and it’s going to Tony. “...Did you... do the snap? Did you wipe out Thanos’ army?”

Crowley doesn’t reply, and he can feel everyone’s burning gaze right at him. The stones still remain in his hand, held out like a prize. “That would be the most important matter at hand, wouldn’t it.”

“Answer the question.” Carol’s back.

“...I did, of course.”

“But then, how? How are you still alive? You don’t seem to sustain any injuries like when Bruce--” Steve interjects, but was then quickly shushed by Tony.

“...Ah, yeah. Was wondering about that. About who was the one who performed the second snap that brought everyone back.” He points a finger at Steve as he spoke. “I did know about the stones. About Thanos, the gauntlet and the snap, of course. What I didn’t know was that the power of the stones themselves could kill you. That’s why I survived.”

“...I’m sorry, what? What does this have to do with you surviving? Because even if you didn’t know, it would still kill you. Nothing would have changed.”

“I guess you could say it works on belief,” Crowley explained. “If I believe I’m immune to the effects of using the stones, then it won’t hurt me.”

“That’s not… how it works.”

“And who are you to say how it works, given the fact that I now stand before you, with the stones in my possession? I have no evidence that I used the stones at all, yet here I am. Pray tell, who in this room was the last to see the stones?”

Everyone looks to Tony, and Crowley caught on quick.

“...Me. I stole them from Thanos right after Carol got knocked back by him using the power stone.” Carol winced at Tony’s remark.

“And after that?”

“Then I tried to do the snap and the stones were gone. God, we’ve been over this, what are you trying to say here?”

“What I’m trying to say here, is that there was no way for me to obtain the stones up until the few moments that you have them in your possession. The game changing moment in that very battle, and they disappeared.”

“And?” Tony was getting impatient by this point, his voice now raised.

“And,” Crowley continued. “The snap occurred seconds just after you had them, causing the assumption that you were the one that caused Thanos to die.” He looked around the room, slipping off the rings and placing them on a nearby table as he spoke. “And I’m happy to declare that that very assumption is wrong.”

“...What?”

“It’s wrong, because I simply performed a miracle, and the stones went to me in an instant. Something like, poof! It’s with me.”

“That doesn’t explain anything.” Rhodes, again.

“...Would it make sense to you if I said it was magic?” He tilted his head back. “I can’t really explain the nature of miracles as anything else but a simple magic trick that I can perform.”

“...So you’re like a wizard.” Tony spoke up.

“...A what?”

“You know, a wizard. We happen to know some right here, and they’re probably outside right now....”

“I… No, no, you’re misunderstanding this. It’s not actually magic, like.. like the book with the boy with the wand and glasses and...” Crowley has an exasperated smile on his face at the moment. “I am by no means a wizard, but… I suppose if their magic falls within the realm of shaping the universe with the mere power of will, then sure. Less uttering spells and more… you know, godlike? Like, divine power, sort of.”

...Tony could akin Crowley’s explanation to Thor’s about the space stone.

“Like a saint,” He continued. “But evil. Me, a demon, that is. I’m not on the side of God, but I happened to be created by Her and thereby having my powers derived from Her. And from that, snap! I got the stones and did you all a favor.” Crowley mimicked snapping his fingers as he nonchalantly slipped off the rings and clicked off the lock on the bangle before placing the stones carefully on a nearby glass table. “That would explain the unlocked door too, wouldn’t it, so there you go.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> there's a lot of dialogue, which i'm sorry for but hey there's an ending now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i kept going back to this stupid fic and finally, in a fucking 3 hour writing frenzy at 1 am in the morning, it has an ending
> 
> albeit a boring one? i guess?? but whatever
> 
> there was a another post about how magic works, once again through belief, this time being used by the resident wizard being really dumb and that spurred me into action
> 
> but there's an ending! finally! sorry for the radio silence tbh

An eerily long silence followed after Crowley had said that.

Until Tony had broken it with, "...Yeah, okay. Why not."

"...You're… just going to accept that?" Steve spoke up.

"I mean, hey, considering what we _just_ went through, having a guy calling himself a demon in our midst seems mild in comparison, honestly."

"That's not what I'm talking about." Steve took a few steps towards the demon before continuing, "Are we meant to accept the fact that this guy simply... 'miracled' the stones to him and snapped his fingers? Just like that, and left the scene without having a single scratch on him? Are you serious?"

"Listen, it's not like you can think up a better explanation. Pretty sure this falls just under magic being a thing that exists."

"Look at him, Tony!" Steve yelled, gesturing at Crowley's nonchalant form. "This… This is more than just magic here, it's… If he could just swipe the stones without us even knowing, imagine what—"

"If you're going to antagonize me," Crowley cuts in, "could you at least do it while I'm not in the room? I simply needed to give these back to you then I'll be on my way."

"You," Steve growled, his eyes narrowed. "aren't going anywhere." 

"Hey, Cap," Rhodes began to speak. "I know you seem suspicious about this guy, but you might need to ease up here."

"Not a chance." Steve stepped even closer. "I want answers, now. And I can't get that by 'easing up' on him."

"And you'll get your answers." Crowley. "But I hope you realize that this feels unnecessarily… dramatic."

"Maybe to you," Carol's back again. "But from what you just told us, chances are you're just as much of a threat as the people we fought."

"Do I look like a withered raisin to you?" Crowley points to himself, raising his voice as he does. "Believe me when I say this, but if I wanted to hurt any of you, I'd have kept the stones myself. But here they are, out in the open. Is this not enough for you?"

"When your story is just that convenient, it definitely isn't." Steve's here.

"Oh, for someone's—" Crowley paused. "I had meant to simply drop by, but, fine. I'll answer, but only so the Avengers— if that's what you still call yourself these days, I do remember your falling out back then— won't bite me in the arse for doing them a favor."

"Yeah, that's another thing that I was concerned about, actually." Tony cut in, again. "Why did you do that? You were someone we didn't even know existed until you waltzed right into this room a few minutes ago."

"I'm sure you're aware that the snap affected," A pause. "quite literally every living being in existence, yes? Half of the… universe's population. I'm assuming you all felt that as well."

...Oh.

"...And those affected included myself, having lost… my best friend."

_...Oh._

"And when I got them back due to… the second snap, it wasn't hard to figure out where it happened. It's near impossible to miss a gargantuan spaceship, after all. Though," Another pause. "I hesitated to help out until the very last moment."

"Why's that?" Rhodes.

"...You all had it handled."

"We were… Or, it looked like we were losing until that last part when you _apparently_ stepped in."

"...Until _he_ did, actually," He pointed to Tony. "Again, I stress the fact that I didn't know precisely what the stones do to the person wielding them, but by the looks of it at the time, you looked like you were on the verge of dying, so, I performed the miracle that the Captain's hung up on."

"Which one?" Rhodes.

"Both of them, it seems like." Tony remarked.

"But I digress," Crowley continued. "You wanted to ask why my story is convenient, right?"

"Among other questions, yes." Steve answered.

"Oh, for— there's other enquiries as well," Crowley groaned. "Right, let's start this off with me taking a wild guess as to what you want to ask."

"Wait, what? I—" Steve began.

"My story and explanation are as simple as it is, that I transported, swiped, such other terms you'd use in its place, the stones from Tony Stark through inexplicable 'magic' may be unbelievable, but the fact remains is that it's the truth." 

As he says this, Crowley grabs an empty glass from the table the stones were resting on. "The nature of miracles works through intent, belief. For instance," He snaps his own fingers with his left, grabs the glass with his right as it begins to fill itself up with water. "I can make inexplicable things happen, like so."

He casually dropped the glass, and water began to spill out…

Only for the glass to land perfectly on the floor, and not a single drop of water reached outside the cup.

"...Inexplicable things which can best be described as magic, so. S'best explanation I can offer."

"But— But those are just parlor tricks!" Steve yelled. "The kind that Lang can do, and taking the Infinity Stones from where we could all see it is something much bigger than that—"

"It was an example, but alright, that's fine." Crowley puts his hands up before tucking them in his pockets.

"—And that doesn't explain anything about you being a _demon,_ or where you got your powers from! All you've told us is that you got your powers from God themselves, and you honestly expect us to just accept that?"

"You really ought to take your friend's advice from earlier." Crowley grimaced as he spoke.

"Not. Happening. You'd—" Steve began, before a new voice cut in.

"...If I may," The voice belonging to one Stephen Strange, who'd just entered through a portal just out of view. "I might be able to answer this one."

"Ah." Crowley looked him over, squinting underneath his shades. "Is this the wizard you were talking about earlier?"

Tony just nods.

"I've heard about you," Strange began. "And your kind, angels and demons, above and below respectively, and you being one of the two who were… simply put, fired from their positions for being the ones responsible for… if I recall, the apocalypse that never was and the M25 freeway being on fire."

 _Not to mention being the one who had to drive a car through it, and taking down phone lines that inconvenienced him later that evening._ "...Oh. Didn't know I was such a big hit."

"...You weren't until I looked into you. I had tracked down where the Infinity Stones were just after the battle had ended at the ruined compound and found they were in your hands. It was… an interesting read, to be sure."

"Gee, thanks. Do you mind explaining my plight, then?"

"There's… much to explain, but simply put, every angel and demon had gotten their powers from Her, as commonly referred to God above. Angels and Demons don't commonly interfere in the lives of humans, aliens even less so, unless assigned to it by their superiors, angels meant to do good, demons do the opposite, but," Strange gestured to Crowley. "He's an exception in which, well, he's prevented the apocalypse before, and taken the burden of saving the world off of someone who was… pivotal as to how this world would turn out." He glanced at Tony as he said that.

"My point being," Strange turned to face Steve. "Anthony J. Crowley is a demon, to be sure. An ethereal being, capable of apparently perplexing feats who, as far as I can tell, isn't a threat. Not to us, at least. An inconvenience on occasion, perhaps."

Crowley's face drops to a frown.

"But not a threat. Would that suffice for you, Captain Rogers?" He finished.

Steve gave a slow nod, only to glare right at Crowley immediately afterward.

"...Great. Okay, well," Crowley cleared his throat. "I just needed to drop the stones off, so, I ought to be heading off."

"That's fine. We'll return the stones, as intended." Strange nodded.

With that, Crowley turned and gave a casual wave to the others in the room before heading back out the door.


End file.
